jedicist.org Blog

July 14, 2010

Vocationalism, anxiety, and economy: Typewriter Scraps

In looking for my keys (aargh, where are my keys?) I pulled out my small pile of scraps and fragments that my typewriter has generated over the last few weeks.  This blog was originally conceived as a public notebook, and this post is in line with that: these fragments are totally raw, unedited, personal; they are a blend of fiction and reality; sometimes I was writing the emotional state of a fictional character in my mind, and yet I cannot hide the truth that I have been focused on vocational anxiety, and what little writing I’ve managed to eeke out of that unproductive emotion can only wallow in it pitifully.

THE PLATFORM OF THE SATISFACTIONIST PARTY INTERNATIONAL (DRAFT)

What is is all that is, and so it must satiate.

Since what is is all that is, any economy predicated on growth and dependent upon expansion for its health is inherently a lie.

We have been lied to by expansionist policy: humans are enveloped in finity.  We cannot escape our own skin.  And yet, we must eat.

The past has put too much energy and investment into expansion: we will turn the movement inwards, to provide sustenance for our own bellies first.

Therefore, all capital relegated into abstraction by history must be liquefied into usable material.  What is, must be made available to consumption; what was always only hypothetical must be rendered as a lie.

i e, all capital must be liquedated.

Capital that exists as human potential must be either liberated or more fully utilized.  Labor is not the only human potential.

All assets owend by previously incorporated national entities must be liquefied and fed back to the bodies politic, including all back stores of grain, inks, papers, oils, and other commodities.

In the case that assets owned by a particular national entity are human in nature, i e of an emotional or creative value, or expressed in terms of potential instilled by a process of over- and elite- education, these assets must be brought under liquified scientific scruitiny and re-administered to the intellecutal elite who will re-create value to be fed back to the Taxpayer in aspirational morale.

And so on, ad nauseum.

The mind has become obscured.  It can no longer differentiate passion from desire, dharma from vocation.  I am controlled, manhandled by the anxieties of desire.  I am not my situation: my days run through me as a river in the desert; I waste myself unwisely, expend myself in diversions, offer myself to those who are unworthy.  I spend energy trying to ignore myself.  I cannot sustain creation and balance.  I ebb and flow rapidly, I find myself unpredictable and unreliable; I surrender myself to myself; I bow before the ferment; I am too ready to accept faliure as fate.

Again I will try; today again I will remake myself.  I will become…

What truths can economies manufacture?

What productivity does anxiety wreck?

Why am I so determined to obey?  Why do I so virulently seek my own powerlessness?  What am I doing to my lungs, my body, my voice?  Oh, great risi,  advise me, I know not my dharma.  AM I to function, to languish, or to revolt?  I am comfortable with any of these, my path is not yet formed.  I get no directions from community or environs.  Individualism has taken me too far off any recognizable road.  I have something to offer any who is not myself, but I do not know who or what.  Like a child lost in a forest, I watch capitalism but cannot participate; like a child in a forest, I can walk through streets lined with mighty buildings and cannot enter any; what I call my home is a temporary shelter, a camp.  Will I reach home in this life?  Is this my desire?  Is desire what ought to guide me?  I am mighty.  This, I have never doubted.  But the nature of my expression, the manifestation of inner power in the form of a life’s work, I do not know.  I have long believed that when I am old, it will become clear what my life’s work has been.  I have never thought that I would know beforehand. I thought perhaps that it would only be a soft touch that was required from myself to enter the chute of karmic works, to begin to truly create, to feel desiring products to spin daily out from my fingertips.  Effort is worthwhile, and yet I am lazy: I have been lazy; I must soon reposition myself, delve into some rich atmosphere of intention, intention that most valuable of treasures, which brings significance to every action.

drive, drive that beast along.  That unyielding desire, drive it to wealth justified by art that does not lie; the forum that is a lie.  White space is expensive in this land, white walls do not come easy.  Through riches and on to death.  Through fame and on to failure.  Through love and on to war, we drive, holding drinks and passing out printed cards, we try to thrive through mimosas and martinis, barely balancing on the edge of sobriety, we drive, through convention centers of hungry eyes, through failure we drive.

Jai Jai Navia

Zed

July 10, 2010

Capoeria

Filed under: Personal Updates — admin @ 9:32 am

I’m sitting here in my white polyester pants and a white t-shirt waiting to go to Capoeira.  I began stepping up Capoeira training about two months ago, and it Sometimes I feel like I wait all week to go to Capoeira, I look forward to it all week.  Then, on Thursday and Saturday, I feel like I’m in a training montage.  (Everyone knows from movies that if you want to get really good at something physical, all you have to do is a quick montage…)  I am learning to be confident and gently aggressive in the hota, to both act and react to an opponent; I am learning balance and gaining strength and flexibility.  It’s the most fun I can imagine having, pretty much.

I just got distracted watching videos, which I like to do.

The group I train with is here:

http://www.lampreiacapoeira.com/ (click on Videos if it pleases)

I’ll start going in to City Center when I’m better…

This one, among many videos, is good–there are faster games of Capoeira, but slow games like this demonstrate the artistry and are much more demanding in terms of form and the communication between players.  Notice the shaker in the middle which never gets disturbed, then tell me about control and discipline…

March 27, 2009

experiences

Filed under: Personal Updates — admin @ 12:13 am

The first two days of being on the road were full, long, tiring days.  It feels wonderful to be on the road.  The reality: Kolkata is an intense place for me.  In reaction to the intensity, I developed some bad, unproductive habits (watching TV on the internet, etc), just to recover from the daily intensity of the city.  So stepping out of my apartment with a heavy bag on my back was a new beginning for me–came too late, as new beginnings tend to do.  But I still have three months to make the most of in this crazy country.

My backpack is about as heavy as it has ever been–I have with me about 20 books, the whole bottom section of my backpack is dedicated to library. I always travel too heavy.

I took the train to Bhubaneswar and arrived in the morning on Tuesday.  Found all guest houses full and booked up, had to settle with a room for rs 200- about twice what I like to pay per night, in the most busy, trafficky, dusty part of town.  Went in search of sights.  The temples at Bhubaneswar are incredible–but you will have to wait until I manage to post pictures, which might be a long time from now.  In the afternoon, I took an auto to the edge of town where there are two hills that have been carved (in 1st cen AD) out like the Anasazi carved cliffs by Jain aescetics.  Fantastic.

In the evening I met a poet named Basant Kumar Kar, and was fascinated by his story and personality.  He is truly a native Oriyan, though he lives now in Delhi to do his NGO work–it was raw luck that allowed us to be in the same city at the same time.  Obviously, I have a lot of writing to do about him, for my project, and can’t do it here in the cybercafe.  Sorry.

Then, wednesday morning I hefted my bag and set out for Puri.  I’m not interested in Puri for Puri’s sake, and now that I’m here, I’m less interested.  It’s a beach-tourist town with too many legalized drugs.  However, I was interested in this ashram in the older, dirtier part of the city.  It is an ashram founded by the guru of Parahamsa Yogananda (who wrote the book “Autobiography of a Yogi” which you should read if you have an open mind and any interest in the subject).  I wanted to begin to learn the type of yoga practiced by that line of gurus, called Kriya Yoga.  Everyone makes sweepingly grand claims about their own type of yoga, and I could repeat the claims and history claimed by Kriya yoga, but I won’t.  I arrived at the ashram at about 11 AM, carrying my big backpack, having been frustrated in my attempts to use the internet first.  The kid who answered the gate spoke nothing that I could communicate with.  He led me inside to a big empty room where I waited for the guru to come.  He advised me to collect some ceremonial things (flowers, candles, incense, sweets, fruit, money) and come back at 3.30.  I truly regret not asking him to take care of my big bag.  I guess I was feeling strong.  So I hefted my big bag and prepared to wile away some hours.  I didn’t think it would take so long to collect those things, because I figured I could just go to the temple and buy the prasad outside (non-hindus are not allowed into the temple at puri, which is another subject).  The beach was inevitably, obviously there, in front of me, and I was really hot.  My body gave me no option.  I carried my giant backpack across the beach to near the water, ignoring the symphony of stares of the bengali vacation-goers who crowded the beach.  Dropped my bag, stripped down to my shorts and ran into the ocean (backwards, so I didn’t have to break eye-contact with my bag).  It was a sign that I have finally managed to overcome the extreme self-consciousness generated by being constantly stared at in this country.  Of course, when I got out of the water, I was swarmed by vacationing families who wanted to take a picture with me in it.  I indulged them in return for faithful bag-guarding, and had a good twenty minutes of total shutter-snapping celebrity.  Such a moment: at once rebelling against India and the repression of the Stares and simultaneously utterly submitting to it, submitting to my strangeness and forgeiness, allowing myself to be an object of curiosity and wonder.

I hefted my bag again and set out to collect those Materials.  It was a LOT harder than I expected.  They don’t give the normal flower-incense-coconut prasad at the temple in Puri.  I couldn’t find a single fresh flower in the city.  I walked for a long time carrying my absurdly heavy bag.  I got ripped off terribly by autos taking me to another market, another market, and then back to the ashram.  I failed, in the end.  I came back to the ashram without the flowers, without the candles.  Of course, the swami shrugged off my faliure, and proceeded to perform the ceremony to induct me into his sect, with no knowledge of who I am, with no interview, though his English was good.  The ceremony was all ritual, meaningless and empty for me.  Then he gave me a quick run through of a few meditation practices and yoga postures for the Kriya yoga beginner.  The postures are really perfect for my body and current state.  Kriya yoga works on each chakra of the body (energy centers along the spine) beginning with the lowest and working upwards, to channel energy up the spine.  If this kind of talk sounds hokey to you, I’m right there with you.  However, I after observing my own body for a long time, I feel a kind of intensity, an undeniably physical, biological energy that I can move upwards with meditation, an energy that kriya yoga describes as light and sound, but for me is not so sense-driven.  Since i am a kriya yoga beginner, the postures start at the bottom, emphasizing flexability in the back of my legs and buttox, which I truly genuinely NEED in my body…the backs of my legs are insanely tight, often I cannot touch my own toes.  So-without the meaningless ritual which, for me, clouds my mind and my practice-it was a helpful encounter.  But the swamiji and the ashram and everything else are haunted by the same problems that haunt all yoga/spiritual investigation: severe institutionalization, silly dedication and suservience, and, that monster that clouds every interaction: money.  I thought I was going to spend 2 days at the ashram doing Yoga, but they don’t have a place to stay, and it’s far away from where I am staying now.

Thanks to the blessing of couchsurfing.com, I found this small resturant and hotel in the middle of the forest between Puri and Konarak, far away from all the bullcrap (literally, of course) of Puri.  Since it’s couchsurfing, I’m staying there with a roomate for free, and I only pay for food, which is cheap.  The beach is a 1 km walk through a sandy, silent forest, and it is totally abandoned, in the middle of nowhere.  Yesterday I spent all day in poetry and writing and indulging in nature.  The two other guys that are staying there are true CHARACTERS, as travellers tend to be.  I went in the ocean naked, played football and frisbee, read poetry on the beach, did my new yoga, meditation, and work on project.

Too much time in cybercafe!

February 5, 2009

Random Raw Typing

Filed under: Creative Nonfictions, Personal Updates, Poetry — admin @ 11:34 pm

I thought I’d type  in some of the pages that have come off my typewriter recently.  I’ve been unfocused, to say the least, in my personal writing.
I am driven by a lust for production.  I want and expect meaning to pour out of me unprompted.  And it is desire, like any other.  I desire to have done action which I have not yet done.  Which I cannot now do.  The time remains stubbornly wrong.  Because I remain attached to desire.  For a stack of printed pages.  For my name, recognition is a trap, this game designed by capitalism in its craziest hour just before its collapse, the time during which I have grown.  My time is brewing without me.  My history being written elsewhere by my fast-moving country, my culture without me.  time is creating the life, the American life, which I will lead.  Not my whole life is the result of my own actions.  I will be a witness and a victim of what so far is America in a post American age.  When capitalism finishes collapsing, only then will I inhabit the postCapitalist age I have been claiming to live in, for years.  Capitalism has given me an unwieldy ego to carry into the long next chapter.

I defeat myself with desire, constantly.  Desires that I do not desire enough to meaningfully fulfill.  Yet.  I am waiting for time to pass, guidance to be given by Maha Kala.  Te time is almost here for me to surrender myself. the path, though, remains hazy.  Even in its utter clarity.

I am blind to all that is outside myself.  I do not understand what is is to live as You.  To be Indian, for example, secure in your birth-given dharma.  To be a servant and be content.  A professional waiter (waiting, not serving).  Or to be a woman.  Woman, I cannot tell if you are happy or not.  I know you must be suffering because you are a live.

Neglect piles up

open your mouth and begin the battle: A O M

———

That eternal flame

universally recognized

must not be described.

All that words can do

can do nothing but

obscure scriptures.

All descriptions in this world

of divinity and names

do injustice to the knowledge

we all have

And injustice spoken

soon brings it upon

our bestiality.

Destroyer ink cleaves bodies

brings dissolution to

our broken humanity.

Fizzures unkind erupt

between texts and their

uncompromising readers

eager to become believers.

Words at war, words at war

their inscription brings

unfeeling institution

brings simple conflict

fought simpely

with blood and power.

Divinity is not

a shrine to Power

BATHING in exhaust.  This city bathes in its own fumes, submerged in pollution that has long since replaced air (DID I POST THIS ALREADY?  I DONNO).  Each boty has settled into filth, made it their own, invisible to themselves.  The buildings move like ancient mountains, exist for teeming bodies to work themselves around.  An expansive soul makes this city beautiful, bearable.  An internalization of art repeated enlessly, feeling endless.  Craftsman, pandal builders, kumars and a new Art class–sons of scholars turning to Abstraction and Rock and Roll.  Effortless integration of language and cultures.  Streetside surrealisms abounding, endless darshan of survival and cration.  A river exists somewhere here.  Everyone has poetry in them, a gift of Tagore inaccessable to me.

minor literature is usually sincere.  Sincerity is enough to make it worth while, though not enough to make it marketable, and not enough for me to know quite what to say about it.

If Kolkata cannot breathe air, it will breathe clay, and create what we never can make out of glass and steel.

——

HERE will never stop

being far away.

Home though anywhere can be

because of eventual return

will continue to be

far away.

Because of eventual return,

return promising eventual rebirth into a life

far away

Where I will embrace

all most beautiful im

possibility.  Your

fiction makes you

pure.  The future’s

inexistance gives joy

when it comes.  It

may not.  All I know

is to DESIRE.

——-

I am at the beginning.  A time of uncontrollable desire and expectation.  I understand, I think, the importance of controlling IT.  For my happiness.  Is happiness my desire?  Is the renounciation of a spiritual quest for me?  Is it for anyone?  Everyone?  I want to look outside myself.  To be outside myself, better than myself.  Insight.  Exsight.  It does not come with physical displacement.  It comes with listening, and love.  And yet life seems to sequester me.  I seem to sequester myself.  TIME TO GET OUT

AND IF YOU HAVEN”T GOTTEN ENOUGH, I also posted the BEST on pinkos copies, which is my lifetime ally!

January 10, 2009

I was brought here

Filed under: Creative Nonfictions, Personal Updates — admin @ 12:13 pm

This is very rough.  Sometimes writer’s block is actually editor’s block.  So don’t hold back your thoughts

I was brought here. As opposed to the first time I was in India, when I came here, I thrust myself over this land as if to conquer it, I delayed my graduation so that I could do so. Before, I could form a complete Self in India, because I had left my Self in America behind, and so could focus on a narrower range of my mind. I could, perhaps, devote more of myself to India, because I had left more room for it within myself. But now. There is more passionate conflicting chaos, having packed a fuller backpack, an eleven month eternity that leaves less room for storage. . I have brought my whole self here, complete with all my disjunctions, ones that I unknowingly left behind before. But I brought only a mess of unsorted disjunctive desires connected to an unwieldy mass of idealisms.

And now I am here, again, for a longer time, even still a bit unsure how it happened. It was my dharma, my path through life, that gave me this time in Kolkata. I ought to be here, now. Funding was provided. A parting gift from my education that once was everything. Noble labor was provided, a Writers Workshop exists here that can exist no where else in the world, and it ought to be part of my life, so I am here.

Writers Workshop is a small utopia of publishing. I now know that it can exist, that it can be possible to Make Books from love, to treasure them in themselves as objects without concern for whether they can sell or whether they will accumulate in a warehouse. Writers Workshop exists out of a conviction that words written ought to be bound together on pages—well bound, by hand, not mass-produced—because they were written and therefore loved, written and therefore to be encouraged and preserved.

(more on WW and P. Lal)

And it’s really a simple thing, Writers Workshop. Its contained in a small part of one house in Lake Gardens where there’s a lot of other life going on. The four guys who staff the warehouse and the book shop work long hours, but it seems to be long hours of simple sitting. Books get published at a furious rate, about a hundred a year, but no one’s straining or stressing themselves to achieve this. Professor Lal somehow, gets enough time to do his own massive life’s work—not only the Mahabharata, but also poems, essays, autobiography, and a lot of reading and political engagement—while remaining the sole guiding force of the publishing operation. Books appear in print that I didn’t know were in the works. Occasionally I proofread some proofs, but the poetry just appears out of nonexistence with no fanfare or note.

Imagine the implications of this for a young child of capitalism. Imagine why a young child of capitalism (seeking escape, perhaps) would have gone so far out of his way to get exposure to this

But the only way I could imagine to be here was to introduce to it that—capitalism. To work with Writers Workshop, I had to create that work. Not only to get funding, but also to be a part of a thing that has existed fifty years without me easily, I had to invent a role for myself. I was funded through a postgraduate fellowship from my undergraduate university—meaning that it wasn’t a research grant (what kind of grant it is remains vague), so I wanted to find a way to contribute to the effort, to be a part of it. But it has been running fifty years fine without me, under the guidance of Professor Lal, who is himself Writers Workshop. There isn’t really editorial work to do, because Professor Lal trusts his authors to edit themselves (how can you change someone else’s creative work?). I certainly was never taught the actual skills of printing and binding books, nor is there any lack of devoted and expert labor in those areas. The only role I could imagine for myself was as a Capitalist and a cyber-modernist; I would use the Internet to try to help Professor Lal sell his books.

Writers Workshop uses no real system of distribution. Before the Internet, you could either show up at the Book Nook outside his house in Lake Gardens (a closet of books hidden in the bushes; impossible to find or give directions to), or you could write to him with prior knowledge of what book you need, and include a check. For fifty years this sustained itself; it sustained itself because the authors each loved their own books, and supported their publication both directly and through selling books.

And the only role I could imagine was to bring the values of my America to it—to try to get Professor Lal to sell his books. I’ve been cataloguing the books—endlessly typing as fast as my fingers will move, to enter into my laptop the titles, authors, excerpts, tables of contents, of all the books I can lay my hands on from the Book Nook, the only physical outlet for the sale of Writers Workshop books, outside the Lal house in Lake Gardens. And then, I take that material-cum-data and fling it online, on the Writers Workshop website and on the bookselling website, alibris.com. By the press of a button—or a lot of buttons—I’m taking books that have never left 162/92 and giving them a global reach, though I don’t hope to give them a big reach, to sell a lot of them. Just a few of them, to deserving readers.

Why am I here doing that? I’ll have to put some effort into explaining myself (even to myself). The Writers Workshop has been doing wonderful work for fifty years without me—I witnessed the fifty year anniversary celebrations as a newcomer. It’s been sustaining itself just fine; it doesn’t need to sell a lot of books to maintain the mechanical printing press, the family of binders, the guys who sit in The Book Nook and the warehouse of unsold books. Though he’s very open to the work I’m doing, Professor Lal has no pressing desire to sell more books. Personally, I have nothing to gain from the enterprise: I’m paid by my university fellowship, and have no financial connection to Writers Workshop.

The Jed of two years ago would’ve had deep and justified problems with this project. Aren’t I extending the reach of a global capitalism that I was loathe to represent? Aren’t I embodying the ideal of the Hungry Ghost—if it’s good, make it bigger!—and forcing a Western model of business on a local, Indian enterprise?

Just after I left to come here, the structures of American capitalism began to collapse, dramatically. It was both completely expected and absolutely surprising, obvious yet inexplicable. Everyone asked me about it, and I didn’t know what to say; it either came out too strong (“We’ve been spending money that never existed ever since WW II”) or bewildered. But it became clear to me that I need not worry so much about my complicity in American capitalism. As an unsustainable system, it will dramatically and tragically take care of itself. The real question is: what are we going to build in its place? A question too big for me to answer, I hope you won’t think that I am trying to do so. I’m just trying to guide my own actions.

For better or worse, the briefly dominant system of corporate capitalism created channels of global exchange unique to this historical moment. Ideas, capital, poems, films, TV shows, songs, images, can be transferred anywhere in the world instantly (or close enough) with a well-placed click. My body can be transferred anywhere in the world via a few hours in an uncomfortable metal box. I can come to India from Denver, Colorado, and never see the ocean. Though it’s easy to forget, these are new things, historically. Let’s not make the mistake of thinking that we’ve exhausted their potential under the corporate empire. We accepted predigested mass cultures, though we know somewhere that each society has more depth to offer.

In my roundabout way, I am trying to say that I dream of an international culture, or at least cultural exchange, created out of the rubble of the American empire (which hasn’t finished falling yet). We can make ourselves and our arts—as much of it as we want to—available to each other, to enjoy and learn from. We can, as we never could before, experience and treasure the immense diversity of thought and creation in all the cultures of the world that survived or escaped the notice of the rein of the suits. And we can create something new out of it, supportive communities that aren’t tied to the limitations of place. It sounds big, but I’m actually trying to think small. Lots of small connections, person-to-person connections that nurture individual understandings. Writers Workshop is small, and should stay small. A family can only bind so many books by hand, and the books should be hand-bound, because that labor brings a beauty impossible to find in the mechanized world. But it can be made available, in a small way, to individuals all over the world. Not everyone who will be inspired by Writers Workshop books lives in Kolkata. I am, and I live in America. So it’s about making the books available, about helping them transcend space. Which is something that was inconceivable in 1958 when P. Lal started Writers Workshop, and remained so until one of his authors, Arunha Sengupta, built the Writers Workshop website. Even though it’s international, it’s still a person-to-person exchange. I found the website in my research while applying for the grant, got in touch, and ended up on the Lal’s doorstep four months later.

I see a responsibility to myself to enact global community in my body, to let myself be a place of international connection, the meeting of all the discontinuous places I’ve been. Jaya—victory—will be when art here meets art there, or art here meets producer there, or artist here meets reader there, or any combination thereof.

If I include myself in those connections—which I do, then Jaya is every day. But to stop there would not satisfy.

And now I am here, again, for a longer time, even still a bit unsure how it happened. It was my dharma, my path through life, that gave me this time in Kolkata. I ought to be here, now. Funding was provided. A parting gift from my education that once was everything. Noble labor was provided, a Writers Workshop exists here that can exist no where else in the world, and it ought to be part of my life, so I am here.

Writers Workshop is a small utopia of publishing. I now know that it can exist, that it can be possible to Make Books from love, to treasure them in themselves as objects without concern for whether they can sell or whether they will accumulate in a warehouse. Writers Workshop exists out of a conviction that words written ought to be bound together on pages—well bound, by hand, not mass-produced—because they were written and therefore loved, written and therefore to be encouraged and preserved.

(more on WW and P. Lal)

And it’s really a simple thing, Writers Workshop. Its contained in a small part of one house in Lake Gardens where there’s a lot of other life going on. The four guys who staff the warehouse and the book shop work long hours, but it seems to be long hours of simple sitting. Books get published at a furious rate, about a hundred a year, but no one’s straining or stressing themselves to achieve this. Professor Lal somehow, gets enough time to do his own massive life’s work—not only the Mahabharata, but also poems, essays, autobiography, and a lot of reading and political engagement—while remaining the sole guiding force of the publishing operation. Books appear in print that I didn’t know were in the works. I don’t contribute anything to the process. Occasionally I proofread some proofs.

Imagine the implications of this for a young child of capitalism. Imagine why a young child of capitalism (seeking escape, perhaps) would have gone so far out of his way to get exposure to this

But the only way I could imagine to be here was to introduce to it that—capitalism. To work with Writers Workshop, I had to create that work. Not only to get funding, but also to be a part of a thing that has existed fifty years without me easily, I had to invent a role for myself. I was funded through a postgraduate fellowship from my undergraduate university—meaning that it wasn’t a research grant (what kind of grant it is remains vague), so I wanted to find a way to contribute to the effort, to be a part of it. But it has been running fifty years fine without me, under the guidance of Professor Lal, who is himself Writers Workshop. There isn’t really editorial work to do, because Professor Lal trusts his authors to edit themselves (how can you change someone else’s creative work?). I certainly was never taught the actual skills of printing and binding books, nor is there any lack of devoted and expert labor in those areas. The only role I could imagine for myself was as a Capitalist and a cyber-modernist; I would use the Internet to try to help Professor Lal sell his books.

Writers Workshop uses no real system of distribution. Before the Internet, you could either show up at the Book Nook outside his house in Lake Gardens (a closet of books hidden in the bushes; impossible to find or give directions to), or you could write to him with prior knowledge of what book you need, and include a check. For fifty years this sustained itself; it sustained itself because the authors each loved their own books, and supported their publication both directly and through selling books.

And the only role I could imagine was to bring the values of my America to it—to try to get Professor Lal to sell his books. I’ve been cataloguing the books—endlessly typing as fast as my fingers will move, to enter into my laptop the titles, authors, excerpts, tables of contents, of all the books I can lay my hands on from the Book Nook, the only physical outlet for the sale of Writers Workshop books, outside the Lal house in Lake Gardens. And then, I take that material-cum-data and fling it online, on the Writers Workshop website and on the bookselling website, alibris.com. By the press of a button—or a lot of buttons—I’m taking books that have never left 162/92 and giving them a global reach, though I don’t hope to give them a big reach, to sell a lot of them. Just a few of them, to deserving readers.

Why am I here doing that? I’ll have to put some effort into explaining myself (even to myself). The Writers Workshop has been doing wonderful work for fifty years without me—I witnessed the fifty year anniversary celebrations as a newcomer. It’s been sustaining itself just fine; it doesn’t need to sell a lot of books to maintain the mechanical printing press, the family of binders, the guys who sit in The Book Nook and the warehouse of unsold books. Though he’s very open to the work I’m doing, Professor Lal has no pressing desire to sell more books. Personally, I have nothing to gain from the enterprise: I’m paid by my university fellowship, and have no financial connection to Writers Workshop.

The Jed of two years ago would’ve had deep and justified problems with this project. Aren’t I extending the reach of a global capitalism that I was loathe to represent? Aren’t I embodying the ideal of the Hungry Ghost—if it’s good, make it bigger!—and forcing a Western model of business on a local, Indian enterprise?

Just after I left to come here, the structures of American capitalism began to collapse, dramatically. It was both completely expected and absolutely surprising, obvious yet inexplicable. Everyone asked me about it, and I didn’t know what to say; it either came out too strong (“We’ve been spending money that never existed ever since WW II”) or bewildered. But it became clear to me that I need not worry so much about my complicity in American capitalism. As an unsustainable system, it will dramatically and tragically take care of itself. The real question is: what are we going to build in its place? A question too big for me to answer, I hope you won’t think that I am trying to do so. I’m just trying to guide my own actions.

For better or worse, the briefly dominant system of corporate capitalism created channels of global exchange unique to this historical moment. Ideas, capital, poems, films, TV shows, songs, images, can be transferred anywhere in the world instantly (or close enough) with a well-placed click. My body can be transferred anywhere in the world via a few hours in an uncomfortable metal box. I can come to India from Denver, Colorado, and never see the ocean. Though it’s easy to forget, these are new things, historically. Let’s not make the mistake of thinking that we’ve exhausted their potential under the corporate empire. We accepted predigested mass cultures, though we know somewhere that each society has more depth to offer.

In my roundabout way, I am trying to say that I dream of an international culture, or at least cultural exchange, created out of the rubble of the American empire (which hasn’t finished falling yet). We can make ourselves and our arts—as much of it as we want to—available to each other, to enjoy and learn from. We can, as we never could before, experience and treasure the immense diversity of thought and creation in all the cultures of the world that survived or escaped the notice of the rein of the suits. And we can create something new out of it, supportive communities that aren’t tied to the limitations of place. It sounds big, but I’m actually trying to think small. Lots of small connections, person-to-person connections that nurture individual understandings. Writers Workshop is small, and should stay small. A family can only bind so many books by hand, and the books should be hand-bound, because that labor brings a beauty impossible to find in the mechanized world. But it can be made available, in a small way, to individuals all over the world. Not everyone who will be inspired by Writers Workshop books lives in Kolkata. I am, and I live in America. So it’s about making the books available, about helping them transcend space. Which is something that was inconceivable in 1958 when P. Lal started Writers Workshop, and remained so until one of his authors, Arunha Sengupta, built the Writers Workshop website. Even though it’s international, it’s still a person-to-person exchange. I found the website in my research while applying for the grant, got in touch, and ended up on the Lal’s doorstep four months later.

I see a responsibility to myself to enact global community in my body, to let myself be a place of international connection, the meeting of all the discontinuous places I’ve been. Jaya—victory—will be when art here meets art there, or art here meets producer there, or artist here meets reader there, or any combination thereof.

If I include myself in those connections—which I do, then Jaya is every day. But to stop there would not satisfy.

October 29, 2008

Post-Diwali

Filed under: Personal Updates — admin @ 3:20 am

So all those things I said I was going to do I did.  Kalighat was its intense and absolutely gross self.  That place has some dark energy, and also a lot of animal sacrafices.  Anyway, then I had a good Diwali; the puja in my apartment was really beautiful and auspicious.  It’s basically a matter of cleansing the space and offering the gods objects: laddoo (sweets) for Ganesha, a coin for Laxmi, holy water, a lot of candles.  The only element missing was the blowing of a conch shell–but at exactly the moment when it ought to have been blown, we heard the peal of a conch from down the block (a total coincidence, these things aren’t timed).  Very auspicious.  Then a delicious dinner at the Lal’s house and then a totally silly party in my house, with 18 year old boys pretending to play cards, but without any comprehension of how even Blackjack could be played, much less poker.  Anyway it was fun.

I thought that this article in the Times was a good overview of the myriad conflicts right now in India http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/29/world/asia/29india.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

you probably saw it; it was on the front page.  I still have trouble comprehending the energy and hatred that fuels these things, because they seem to be totally disconnected from the intelligent and benevolent and very lazy India that I know.  It all springs from the savage inequality in India’s development, of course.  There’s too much money in tiny pockets of the country and the masses are left hopeless.  They blame each other for taking away their jobs and their rights.  They blame their neighbors for praying to different gods.  I do think that the article is somewhat justified in tying the problem to the democratic system; it implies a constant competition for power and recognition.

By the way, the exchange rate is becoming totally absurd, almost degrading to India.  It’s 53 ruppees to a dollar.  It usually is around fourty. 

From yesterday’s post, my father asked how Indians can be without irony when Hinduism is such a self-contradictory religion.  It’s a good question because I’m not sure how I can relate the two issues.  The lack of sarcasm and irony in language comes from Sanskrit, which claims that each sanskrit word has an absolute and unchangeable relationship with what it means, that the word is somehow the essence of the thing.  It leaves no room for disengenousness in language.  That’s the reason why mantras are ascribed a real power, for example.  I don’t think that Hindus really consider their religion full of contradictions–it’s just founded on the idea that everything includes its opposite, it’s exception, an idea that I think Westerners can also relate to.

I’ve got to go back to work.  I’m making a digital catalogue of the books for the website, and soon I’ll set Writers Workshop books for sale on alibris.com where you’ll be able to buy them in America.  More on that later.

Oh, will the spammers please stop trying to post spam commets?  Somehow I don’t think that saying that will do the trick.

October 27, 2008

Diwali/Kali Puja 1

Filed under: Personal Updates — admin @ 8:17 am

Tomorrow is both Diwali, and, in Bengal only, the first day of Kali puja.  I’ll post another after it, but I’m so excited tonight I thought I’d tell you my plans.

Tomorrow afternoon I’m going to face Kalighat temple, because it must be faced, and tomorrow will be the most absurd time to do it.  The first time I was in India, I was taken almost straight from the airport to Kalighat.  Kalighat is one of the most intense places in India–it’s pushy, full of people who demand money from you, and they do animal sacrafices with no warning.  All that happened and I wasn’t prepared at all.  I had never seen religion demand such chaos out of its devotees.  The idea was to shock you with India right away.  It worked, but I secretly loved it.  Anyway, I haven’t been back because I know what a sh*tshow it is.  Maybe I’ll chicken out of it.  But I want to go to the burning ghat on the river down by Kalighat because I haven’t been there, and because it’s special: it has the only Kali idol with her mouth closed.  The whole aesthetic point of Kali is her giant bloodied tongue, but everything in Hinduism must be contradicted once.  So that idol will be worth seeing.

Then, the Guptas, my hosts and landlords, will have their Diwali puja in my apartment, and they’ve invited me to participate.  They were suprised to see that I drape flowers around my Ganesha in the Hindu fashon–I like having fresh flowers near my desk, and they make Ganesha look great.  (Ganesha quickly emerged as the god that will be my best friend during this trip.  My desk at the Lals is surrounded by ancient stone carvings of him.  He’s a writer–he cut off his tusk to make a pen to write.  And a tabla player.  And, on my cheap hollow brass idol, he’s got long hair).

Anyway, I realized that they are having their puja at my place because the idols here are actually the dynamic family idols, and Diwali is the puja where they replace them with new idols, breathe the divine breath into them (not sure how to translate that idea) and worship them for the first time.  I find it odd that they don’t keep them over at their place–I had the strong sense that it wouldn’t be proper to leave them in my room and use them as my own, but I didn’t realize that these guys were the singular family shrine.  It’s Ganesha and Laxmi, right next to me now, looking at me as I write.  Ranjhit (I had his name wrong this whole time!–the guy who comes to my apartment every day and hangs out) puts flowers on them every morning and burns inscence, so I thought that they were his personal that he put here because he’s here so much.  But they are the Guptas, and he maintains them as part of (it seems like his only) service to them.  Which probably seems strange to readers in America, but it seems reasonable over here.  As long as devotion is continually demonstrated by the family–worship takes time and energy.

And then, it turns out that the annual young-folks Diwali party happens at my apartment, on the roof, where they set off lots of fireworks.  So of course I’ll go to that.  I’m excited to celebrate Diwali with a bunch of drunk 17 and 18 year old boys. 

I’ll let you know how all that goes.

October 18, 2008

Lake Gardens isn’t Naxal territory

Filed under: Personal Updates, Politics, Rants and Rambles — admin @ 7:15 am

Blogging’s been flagging recently.  Because I’ve regained daily humanity; I’ve stopped traveling in India and I’ve begun to live in Lake Gardens, Kolkata.  Which is as good as life can be.  I feel part of a community like never before-after a whirlwind week of introductions, I know all my neighbors, am a familiar face to a few vegitable sellers at the market, not to mention a really cool and expanding  circle of expats.  I have some sort of schedule and routine.   I usually wake up early, at 6.30 or 7.  Three days so far I’ve gone running around the lake.  I’m beginning a morning yoga class on Monday.  I have to be back by 7.45 so that a shirtless guy in a seethrough lungi can toss a packet of milk into my hands as soon as I open the door for him.  Futz about until Rohit gets here–he’s the guy who sits aimlessly in my apartment all day during working hours; he’s the employee of my landlord.  For a few days I floated the theory that while he wasn’t my servant, he might end up doing some things for me, but that’s not the case at all.  He pretty much tells me what to do in a vaguely maternal but monosyllabic way–wash dish tub, etc.,  I have a strong suspicion, though, that he does sweep the floors.  As soon as possible, I leave and go down to my desk on the varandah of the Lal house (next door to my apartment building).  Since I don’t have a laptop, I’m pretty much aimlessly reading Writer’s Workshop books during the day, browsing the collection.  And working on my Bangla, which the guys who work in WW (running the warehouse and bookstore), help me with.  They’re hilarious people, each with very strong personalities, and very friendly, and speak very little English.  I’m pretty much learing Bengali for their sake.  I get bored and mosquito bitten pretty quickly, so at two I go visit the printer, who is overseeing my laptop repair.  Etc. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the dramatic Fall of America, been following the news closely, and simultaneously educating myself about the political situation here, imagining what path India’s rise will take.  I have been reading about the Naxalite movement here–Maoist rebels that control a huge swath of India’s agricultural interior.  The book that  you should read, that I’m reading, is Red Sun by Sundeep Chakravarti.There is, literally, a violent revolution amassing within India.  Because of the dramatic inequity of India’s development, not just in terms of economic numbers, but also culturally.  Urban India, Middle-Class India, are on a totally different planet from the vast majority of India’s landmass, full of people who are finding the aeons-old struggle to survive harder and harder.  I genuinely expect that the Maoists will come to power in India in the post-America(n power) epoch.  Of course, this is unlikely to slow the economic rise or alleviate the inequity.  If anything, it’ll make everyone poorer.  I imagine that a  CPI(M) India would look something like today’s china–somehow using Communist ideas to fuel and sustain a massive capitalism founded on mass labor, free of any morality, but probably more corrupt.  Remeber that I’m writing about things that I don’t understand, am not a part of,etc.

I’ve been lagging on the blog because I’ve been writing a lot of fiction on my typewriter, and am actually feeling blissfully predigital and imaginative.  When I get my laptop back, that’ll change.  I’ll do my big picture posting, first of all.

October 11, 2008

Moved in

Filed under: Personal Updates — admin @ 7:26 am

I’m thrilled to be in my space, the apartment that I’ll have throughout this year.  You can mail me things here if the spirit moves you, or you can use this address to watch me on google earth:

 533A, Lake Gardens

Kolkata 700045

but if you mail something in the first few months, put c/o Susmita Gupta, who is renting me this apartment.

This feels like an achievment of being here; now that I’m incorporated in a space, I can regain humanity.  I can be done travelling for a moment.

Lake Gardens is such a gorgeous place.  It’s a quiet little haven just south of the lake–which itself is beautiful.  Lake Gardens is quiet and it’s the only neighborhood with trees, as far as I can tell.  It’s an old neighborhood, and most of the families are old Calcutta institutions–lots of professors and doctors.  It’s also mysterious because the roads twist to hide secrets, for example I still haven’t found the big market, which, humorously, they call the “supermarket,” even though it’s just people with blankets on the ground.  My apartment was the old home of the Guptas, and it’s full of lots of random memories and objects.  It hasn’t been lived in for a really long time, and there’s an impressive layer of dust on everything.  I’ve been cleaning for the last 48 hours, guzzled a bottle of lysol last night alone.  Which labor makes the space feel more like my own.  Awkwardly, this apartment is where the Guptas’ two servants hang out during the day (I notice that people don’t put too much thought into where their servants go when they’re not serving them, 95% of the time. Mostly, they sit completely motionless in a chair for hours on end.  These two watched the TV in my room, which we can’t move because of the cable connection.  So, basically, my apartment comes with servants who aren’t mine and who don’t serve me, all of which will be less awkward when I’m learning Bengali).  I’ve got a typewriter in my room–some of you may remember me bragging about how my plan was to find a typewriter in India.  Now I just have to find a typewriter ribbon in India.  And its right nextdoor to the Lal’s house, where I work at the Writer’s Workshop. 

My cell phone is still off, and will be until wednesday. I’ll write a more substantive blog post soon.

October 3, 2008

Community

Filed under: Personal Updates — Tags: , , — admin @ 8:17 am

So when the neighbors of the Lals, the Guptas, heard about my presence here, they realized that they could clean out their old office and make it into a flat for me.  So I’m going to have a place to live, right next to the Lal’s house, which is also the office for Writer’s Workshop.  The Lals have put a desk out on their front varandah for me to work at, so I now have an (impending) apartment and an office.  I’ll move into my apartment after the Puja, which I plan on writing about next week–so I’ll move in on the 11th.

All of which reminds me to write in vague ramble about the incredible community which has welcomed me into their lives here in Kolkata.  It’s really a very extended family, each member of which has done their large part to help me get established and grounded here.  Of course the Rays, with whom I am staying now, have really been a wonderful first-landing place for this city–they have lived and loved this city for their whole long lives, and they have shared that with me.  Both the elder Lals have been tremendously welcoming and charming, they’re really excited to have me here.  They are a wise and young-at-heart couple; it constantly strikes me in their conversation that they speak to each other as if they were young lovers.  And then down through the generations: Shuktara, the granddaughter of both couples, has really made my well being her project, and I’m pleased to call her a friend.  Her work is actually really interesting: after getting an MA in theater arts from NYU, she’s come back here and is working with a small NGO to do drama therapy with some seriously disadvantaged people; mostly young girls, mostly Muslim, mostly from the slum, and largely victims of the sex trade.  She’s also a teacher.  And I’m just now getting to know her younger brother, who is finishing what to us is high school.  He’s a rock star, and that’s what there is to it.  he plays guitar.  And he’s got a sweet pad on the roof of the house; he lives on the roof with his guitars and sterios, and tends a huge collection of Banzai plants.  From my future roof, I’ll be able to see his band practice.  Their parents are also wonderful; the father is chair of the English department at one of the Universities here (there are three of them, which I’m still untangling.  We had a great talk about Indian classical music and jazz, and he said he’ll let me know of all the concerts that happen this winter.  Their mother is also great, very maternal, very impressed with my mother for being able to let me go so far away, and eager to replace her by feeding me.  Last night was Shuktara’s birthday (not that she told me in advance), and so she invited me to her dinner party where I met a whole bunch of her friends, so now I have a whole crew of friends, though I’m still mixing up their names.  They’re a bit older than me, about as old as my sister, thirtyish.  They also are eager to help me with being here in different ways: one is an editor of an academic press (Anthem, based in England), so he’s eager to help in all manner literary.  And so on and so on.

I’ve really been a bit self centered in this blog, and even in my own mind.  It wasn’t until the last 48 hours that I realized what a wonderful group I’ve stumbled into.

And I just got back from a very nice event to celebrate 50 years of The Writer’s Workshop, put on by the local TV station.  People came from all over India to testify how much Prof. Lal’s love and encouragement has helped them as writers and helped the culture in general.  Including the governor of West Bengal.  I felt quite priviledged to be the one stepping out of the car with him and his wife to flashbulbs and TV cameras–I just got here!  I haven’t really done anything yet!

So now I want to go do things.

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